I have always wanted to life without regrets. I used to think that it is always about doing what I want or saying what I think. Only recently I came accross a thought that it might be all about making peace with myself instead.
Unfortunately for me, there are a lot of things that I can’t make peace with still. Most of them are not the things I’ve said or done in the past, but the things I could have done and the things I wished I never knew of at all.
Those things I’ve heard.
Those things I’ve seen.
Those things I’ve witnessed.
Those things that, even though it didn’t happen to me, have left the deepest scar in me. And since that day on, I have planted a huge hatred in my mind, embedded to my heart right now, and too painful to remember.
No, actually it’s not pain.
It is anger.
It is anger.
Because I hate how the people I love was being hurt. Because I couldn’t do anything about it back then. Nor now. And I damn hate that feeling.
And strangely enough, it is something’s that I can’t let go somehow. Or probably I don’t want to let go.
Because maybe, only maybe, it is my only way to love them.
But maybe I have supressed these memories for too long right now. Maybe I don’t need it anymore.
But then again, I am not ready to forgive yet.